


Fleeting happiness

by Chunjixbyungie



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2019-04-25 20:07:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14386176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chunjixbyungie/pseuds/Chunjixbyungie
Summary: Did you ever wonder how it would be like to live and die everyday ? To be alive yet feel dead .. To live your life , condemned to a fate worse than death .. Did you ?If so , I might be the best one to tell you how it feels like , in every painful detail .





	1. Struggle

  
  
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Did you ever wonder how it would be like to live and die everyday ? To be alive yet feel dead ? To live your life , condemned to a fate worse than death .. Did you ?

If so , I might be the best one to tell you how it feels like , in every painful detail .

 

.

.

.

 

  
A struggle .. A struggle to survive , waiting for happiness to pay him a visit ..

 

But ..

 

What if he couldn't make it when happiness finally knocked on the door ? What if he couldn't answer in time ? Would happiness insist ? Knock some more ? Wait for him ? Or would it leave and mock him ?

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.

.

 

A handsome young man with black hair wearing a suit and standing in the hallway of a respectable company in Seoul was on his way to attend a meeting when a vibration in his pocket alerted him to an incoming call .

He kept staring at the screen of his phone , feeling an all too familiar sliver of guilt resurface because he knew he couldn't just leave his work , even though his lover needed him . And answering just to say he couldn't make it home early would probably sadden the bedridden younger more than not answering at all , right ?

 

Nodding to himself , Jumin heaved a deep sigh then proceeded walking towards his destination .

 

 

 

Meanwhile , a certain silverette was lying on bed , holding the cell phone next to his ear , waiting for that velvet voice of his lover to answer , only to sigh in a faint manner when he received no response .

A bitter smile carved itself on his face at that  . It was bad enough he had to call for help , and not getting an answer only made it ten times worse .

 

He started wondering , briefly . How was it that after being connected on a purely intimate level , becoming one , bonding and all , things could take such a dark and seemingly irreversible turn ?!

 

He'd also wondered if Jumin ever felt the same shooting pain of torn flesh , as of late ..

He ought to , right ?

  
To get abruptly torn apart from each other , it felt like having his shirt stained in dried blood , clinging to skin , only to be brutally ripped apart from the injury , causing a pain too immense to tolerate .

 

Jumin was not soft with the younger , he rarely spoiled him or showed affection recently .That's why when he did , Zen cherished it more than anything . It's not everyday that the elder spoils him after all .

 

 

That afternoon , as the fair haired male sat on bed , feeling sick and nauseous , he had no choice but call his lover who , apparently , had a meeting , one that was of more importance than him , as it seemed.

A bitter feeling took over , spreading through the younger's veins but he curbed it - though not without difficulty - and tried to be patient .

 

 

 

 

 

  
After an hour or so , Jumin called back . Zen needed him and voiced it too , but his lover said he couldn't leave work behind and that .. that broke the younger's heart , beyond words . It literally destroyed him .

 

Feeling heartbroken that Jumin chose work as his first priority , the bedridden silverette ended the call abruptly and decided to drift to sleep , or at least attempted to .

 

.

.

.

  
  
Later on , Zen awoke by the sound of the doorbell ringing . It couldn't have been Jumin though , because the said would not knock . And so the silver haired male ignored the door . He knew - by the time he gets there , whoever was knocking would have left after waiting for so long - .

 

He couldn't believe he was desperate enough to wish it was Jumin even with the knowledge that it would never be him .

 

Tired sienna eyes landed on the clock and Zen quickly realized it was time for his medicine . He couldn't remember if he took the one after breakfast though .

 

Depending more on luck than memory , he shrugged and reached for the sandwich on the bedside table . Jumin had prepared it . Smiling at that , Zen uncovered the plate and began eating , slowly , savouring the taste and affections laced about this simple meal  .

Maybe it was silly , to smile at such thing . But for him it wasn't . It meant deep inside , his Jumin hadn't lost his caring side , right ?

Or was he deluding himself ?

Almost instantly , the sudden warmth he felt at the thought of the elder still caring for him vanished and began turning into a merciless numbing cold instead.

He left the half-eaten sandwich on the bedside table and curled in bed , hot tears running down his cheeks freely , soaking the pillows in the process .

  
No one was there to pity him or witness his vulnerable state . And that was more than enough to comfort him . He'd had enough pity from Jumin and hated every moment of it .  
  
  


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.

 

  
At night , when Jumin got back home , he noticed how sick the younger looked , and planned to take the said to hospital but Zen silently refused , just by a tilt of his head to the other side . He couldn't really move anything else .

It felt so tiring . Everything . Make it stop .

Jumin hadn't came to him when he was at his worst .

  
Why ?

Oh ! Right .. Because of work .

 

As the elder lifted him up like a feather , Zen squirmed . And even though he had no power , his pent up emotions gave him just about enough strength to scratch whichever part he could reach of his lover , who silently accepted it , blinking back his own conflicted emotions .

  
He knew after all . He knew everything about his precious Zen . He knew why the younger was .. Broken , not just because Jumin stayed at work . But also because of his condition .. The light haired male hated the fact he needed help . It was humiliating . And when the one who should be first to help you isn't there and gives priority to something else , it's like hell on top of it .

 

  
.  
.  
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The whole ride , Zen kept his eyes glued to the road and Jumin couldn't blame him . He'd really gone too far , neglecting his lover when he need him most . What kind of heartless fool was he ?

Grip tightening on the steering wheel ,  jumin  felt his heart slowly breaking into million pieces and blood boiling to no limit . He was so angry at himself for being such an asshole with Zen but it's not like he meant it . Everything in his life was messed up and stressful he didn't know what to do anymore . His hot tempered nature did not exactly help either .

 

  
The younger , on the other hand , could only bite his lips , trying to make them stop quivering . His pride was the only thing stopping him from breaking down and shedding tears of anguish , shame , and despair .

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As soon as they arrived there , Jumin helped Zen - who wordlessly accepted - out of the car .

From then onward , everything felt like a blur to both of them .

It was obvious that the younger's condition was deteriorating in a sense it was not that critical but not stable either .. If he was taken good care of , he would be fine . But on the long term , no one knew .

 

Jumin spent the whole time outside the hospital room hands steepled and mind racing .

For the first time in so long , he started thinking back .. Everything .

 

  
He wasn't originally aggressive or cold with Zen . On the contrary , he recalls a time they were one of the happiest couples alive .

 

..  
..  
..  
..

..  
..

 

 

Jumin and Zen were neighbors .

One day , the elder got out of his apartment and noticed Zen leaving with his belongings and a " For rent " label hanging on the door of the apartment .

 

They have never really talked much before but Jumin knew the silver haired young man was a good person . So he couldn't help but feel rather shocked . It was also the first time he noticed Zen's frail built up close , how he had troubles walking and carrying his bag even though it looked small .

 

The brunette was planning to go for a walk . But after such situation , he found himself asking the younger " Hey ? What's going on ? You leaving ? "

 

  
Zen instantly got uneasy . which didn't go unnoticed by Jumin , who suddenly recalled how the landlord has been arguing with the younger over late payment a few days ago . And so , after a lot of insisting from the elder , they both ended up in Jumin's apartment .

  
At first , they were extremely awkward . Jumin may have insisted earlier but really , he didn't know much about the younger .

  
To break the ice , he decided to show more hospitality and offered Zen something to drink , for the second time .

  
Eventually , they got to know each other more . Maybe a little too much .

  
It was one of those moments where one cannot help but come out of the closet . Zen let Jumin in on everything about him .

The younger turned out to have experienced a serious car crash that affected his legs . He had been into surgery to heal his hips and legs in general . It has been hell for him since they had to insert a rod in his body to make sure the bones healed . And because of that , he had been working from home , designing web sites or anything that didn't involve moving about .His parents were still alive but he refused to be a burden .

  
Unfortunately as time went by , his condition went from bad to worse . It started taking him about 15 minutes every morning to get off bed . he started losing requests because he couldn't make it in the due time for work since his condition kept hitting rock bottom . It was not just because of his legs . He had other health issues .

  
So , no job .. Which meant late payments . Going to live with his parents was no option , for one he couldn't have them know he had no job and was practically kicked out . two , he didn't want to be a burden .

  
And he really hadn't anyone worth calling a friend . Even if he had , he would never intrude .

 

The whole story wasn't told in one go though , Jumin knew about it bit by bit , day after day .

 

  
How ?

 

  
Well , he tried his best to persuade Zen to stay with him .

  
At first , the younger was dead against it but then Jumin just had to use the puppy eyes which the silverette could not resist . He was still against imposing himself but decided to argue with the elder , just to humor him , giving excuses like how he would have agreed if he could help with the living expenses which he couldn't , or how he would have helped with the housework which he also couldn't because of his rapidly worsening condition .

 

  
" the only thing I can give you is companionship , Jumin . " He bitterly admitted back then.

  
Zen never understood how , but Jumin eventually managed to convince him to stay .He made it seem like he was the one that needed the younger and deep inside , Zen couldn't deny his heart what it wanted .

 

Yes , his heart .

In the end , they fell in love .

  
However , nothing lasts forever .  
Jumin started to realize that when he took Zen out for a date , he had to be extremely careful with his choice . Cold weather didn't do the younger good . Neither did hot one . Neither crowded areas as Zen had breathing issues .

  
Whatever Jumin tried to do , it just ended up a total failure .

  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.

 

 

And back we are , to the moment Jumin was waiting outside the hospital room .

  
Why he has changed and started neglecting Zen ?

  
At first , he wanted to make Zen the happiest while he could still enjoy it , knowing his condition.

  
But then and as he realized time was going to pass by any ways .. If Zen was going to leave .. one day .. Jumin could not afford to get any more attached ..

 

Like most people condemned to the fate of loving a sickly person , Jumin had wanted to make Zen happy before the time ran out . But then ..

 

  
Then what ?

  
Suppose he did so , and spoiled Zen everyday ..

  
When that fateful day comes what was he going to do ? After Zen's gone .. ?

  
Jumin felt confused and preferred to distance himself from the younger . He could already envision himself mourning over his lover , so he preferred to set all those thoughts aside including the original cause , namely , Zen . But all that facade got thrown out of the window when he saw that pained expression taint his lover's beautiful features . He got hurt was a terrible understatement . Jumin felt like he got stabbed right in the gut as he witnessed Zen on the bed , his heart probably shedding tears his eyes never did ..

  
He knew Zen had no one except for him and he knew how much the younger hated to be helped in that sense . That's why when he came late that night and Zen refused , just tilting his head to the other side , Jumin knew he was hurt and his pride prevented him from accepting help . Nonetheless , he carried the younger who resisted , protested even , trying to get the other to put him down .

  
Zen knew , just as Jumin did , that squirming about wouldn't help yet he still did so , trying to free himself from the elder's grasp . But it didn't take long for that squirming to turn into soft sobs muffled against Jumin's chest and fingers gripping on his shirt tightly .

  
Whenever Zen's health worsened , Jumin would be harsh , half thinking that by doing so , he was making things easier and better ..

 

His grief over his own disability to change any of it made him work late and distance himself from the younger in hopes of both , making it hurt less when the time comes and Zen catches his last breath supposedly and for the younger himself . He didn't want to keep on giving mixed signals to the silverette because Jumin knew how moody and short tempered he could get . He didn't want to treat the other soft , only to lash at him some other time . It would only hurt him .. He didn't want Zen to get his hopes up .

  
Jumin knew he could only handle so much until he'd had enough . He knew there would inevitably come a time when he would need to vent it . Doing so at work was out of question . He wouldn't just lash out at his subordinates or his father , not even a stranger in the street . God knows what would happen if that stranger retaliated , picking a fight with him . He could go to jail for physical or even verbal abuse .. Which left only one person . The only one who would helplessly and gladly take it all without retaliating was none other Zen himself . And Jumin truly despised himself for thinking like that . But he couldn't help it .

 

  
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After the last check up , the elder went back to his caring side again . Zen wouldn't lie . He truly appreciated every moment of it but .. for some reason , he wasn't happy . Not fully . Perhaps , he felt afraid .. that Jumin would suddenly turn cold again And that the younger would not be able to handle . He just wouldn't . He didn't want to experience that ever again , getting broken then patched up , only to get broken again .. He'd rather stay in shards .

 

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..

 

  
  
Dread overtook his entire being , shock pulsating through every fiber in his body . It has been a few minutes since Zen woke up in that state .

  
It's natural for guys to have wet dreams and wake up with an arousal . However , he was an exception .

  
Normal males would find it okay , some may feel a little bit ashamed but would get over it and clean the mess in less than 10 minutes . Just a quick trip to the bathroom would be all it takes . And Zen could do that , alas not without help . It would take forever to move his numb body out of bed and all the way to the bathroom .

To make it worse , the day happened to be when Jumin would help him take a shower . He didn't want the said to see him in such state , stained and dirtied in his own mess .. He didn't want to be any more of a burden .

  
At the notion of it all , a familiar sickening sensation coursed and twisted through his being , eating him alive and raw . The bile agitation shot up and before he knew it , the breakfast laid sprawled on the blanket covering his lap .

  
It took him full 10 seconds to register it . However , it took him no time to feel his vision blurry , eyes stinging , breath hitching , gross after-taste filling his lungs as did an equally unpleasant odor his nose .

  
Bleary eyes stared at his now doubled up mess . His heart could have stopped .

 

  
No.. No ... Not now ..

  
Moping around could wait ... He needed to fix whatever he could before Jumin came back home .

  
Looking around frantically , he tried locating any tissues , wipes or whatever , for starters . He did find a pack of perfectly white tissues but they rested atop the bedside table , on the other side and though it was just a few rolls away , it seemed like a whole continent away .. too far to his liking .. Too far out of his reach .

  
The pain that once haunted him ever since he woke up intensified tenfold . He was tempted to spend the rest of his time drowning in tears but he couldn't .. He needed to fix it .. before Jumin got back ..

 

  
With newfound resolution , he tried searching for anything long enough to fetch the pack of tissues with . To his joy , his blurred eyes landed on his own walking stick .

  
Having been forced to gulp , he tasted his own shame as he leaned forward , trying to reach the stick with the tips of his fingers ..

  
Just some more ...

  
Stretching further , he felt his finger touching it , finally coming in contact with the stick . Sadly , it was also then that he realized how far he had leant enough for him to lose his balance and fall ungracefully , colliding with the harsh floor .

 

  
The physical pain he felt at that moment could not compare to the mental and emotional one .

  
For a second , he questioned the same thing he had been wondering about every single day .

  
Whoever held power over heaven and hell , why was he to suffer this ?

  
Why must he go through this ?

  
His upper half ached and lower one hung awkwardly in between the softness of his bed and harshness of the floor .

  
Even a damned blanket held more power , wrapping itself around his legs , denying him escape . In a sense , it was choking him . He was neither fully lying on bed nor fully resting on ground .

  
Torn between two , nothing new .

 

  
One tug *

  
He tried breaking free .

  
Yet one more *

  
No hope . No such luck came .

  
His stomach coiled around like he had performed an intense workout session as he tried to free himself , to no avail . so he just gave up .

  
Throwing his head back , unable to take more of the muscle pain , he decided to lie down and let out the loudest possible sigh , laced with a hint of surrendering , a scream of complaint at how unfair it was .

 

  
Might as well just stay like this , wallowing in my own misery .

  
He took a few ragged breaths , staring at the ceiling - not really aware of it , for he was dazed - .

 

A bitter lunatic-like chuckle resonated in the empty room . He had somehow got himself covered in every bodily fluid possible .. Semen , sweat , vomit ... Only blood was yet to be shed .

 

He could not reach the bathroom and do it all on time , so he decided to just lock the chain attached to the front door . That would hinder Jumin . He thought in mock joy at the little achievement of his .

 

  
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The said elder came back home twisting the keys but an opposite force met him .  
Confused , his eyebrows knitted and gaze landed at the silver chain in between the tiny creak of the door .

His brain quickly formulated it , putting pieces together .

  
The apartment belonged to him and Zen . Only them . If the younger feared intruders , he would just suffice with closing the door , knowing that the only one besides him possessing the keys was none but Jumin .  
However , to use the chain .

  
It hit him like a brick wall .

  
Zen was actually shutting him , of all people , out ?

  
Trying to calm down despite everything , Jumin pursed his lips and tried thinking of what to do .

  
If he tried to call the younger and ask him to open up , whether literally or by phone , the said would not cooperate . He wouldn't have resorted to locking it in the first place if he would . If he had any intention of letting Jumin in , he wouldn't have done it .

Acting on instincts and impulse , Jumin took a few steps back before going forward with all of his force .

  
It took him some time and a few slams before the door went wide open , almost breaking free of its hinges , slamming against the wall , nearly creating a crack , chain clattering and coming undone .

  
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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello to the mystic messenger fandom !  
> I have known about the game from long time ago but only recently downloaded it , around the start of April this year ( or maybe earlier ) because of a dear friend encouraging me to try it out ! Now I have one more fandom I'm passionate about thanks to her ~
> 
> Anyone who might end up reading this , I hope they enjoyed it ~  
> I would also like to point out that this fic wasn't written especially for juzen , I have written it long time ago for my ultimate bias group in kpop , TeenTop .  
> But I had converted it once before ( to another fandom ) and now it's the 2nd time I convert it ~
> 
> To be honest I was very reluctant to convert my fics because I believe that what was written for a fandom should stay dedicated to it . you get me ?
> 
> Think of it as follows .. A guy proposing to you with the same ring he offered to another girl . Not a pleasant thought , right ?  
> But I still love my babies ( works ) and wanna share them in the fandoms I'm part of . 
> 
> I already have an idea exclusive to mystic messenger but it would take some time to put into words so in the meantime , I hope you guys don't mind me flooding the mysme tag with prewritten fics ~


	2. A broken doll

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zen turned to the other side lest a lone tear made its way down and his lover witnessed it ..
> 
> That was his problem , somehow every time happiness seemed to inch closer , he would start having those dark thoughts and end up feeling depressed beyond repair . However , was it not true ? How unfair it was for the elder ?

.  
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With much difficulty , Zen managed to take a shower and even got himself in fresh clothes . It did take him too long but it was a good thing he could still do something by himself , right ? He thought , smiling wistfully before opening the door , ready to step out when he felt the world spinning and everything going hazy ..

 

He thought he heard the doorbell , the continued knocking , more like someone smashing the door with his name called right after . But he wasn't too sure . though a part of him knew it was Jumin ..

 

Breathing heavily , he dragged himself and leaned against the wall , hysterically laughing with tears flowing like a river from his eyes to his cheeks then down to his jaw . He was trying his best not to lose consciousness because he didn't want to be pitied . Yet he also didn't want the elder to see him and start asking about the chain .

Maybe it's actually better to collapse . A voice in him whispered , almost surrendering . That way he wouldn't have to face Jumin , not right away at least .

To struggle for consciousness or to give in and just collapse ?  
As if he could . The same voice returned and quipped .

He knew it was a losing battle .  
Since when did he ever win against his own body ? The voice questioned rhetorically . That failure of a body ..

To collapse or not . Which would save him the remaining bit of his pride and dignity ?

None , In fact . Firm and serious , the voice answered .  
Couldn't there be a third option ? Broken and desperate , he pleaded .

Luckily , his body decided for him . And that was none but shutting down . The pitiful one welcomed an all too familiar world of darkness and nothingness .

.  
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.

 

Meanwhile , The first thing greeting Jumin as he got inside and rushed to the bedroom was an empty bed . He turned around to scan the rest of the apartment , noticing the light of the bathroom was switched on . A lot of light was coming out which meant the door was left open .

Fearing the worst , he slowly walked there , the eerie silence having done nothing to reassure him . Zen never leaves bed every so often , especially because walking back and forth exhausts him beyond words . If need be and he had to get up , the silverette would never leave the lights turned on . He was so disciplined regarding those issues . That alone did little to ease Jumin's anxiety . Ever since the chain fiasco , he felt sick . Something must have gone terribly wrong . He could feel it . And true enough , much to his horror , when he reached the bathroom , he almost stepped on an arm .

 

Jumin couldn't contain the shocked gasp escaping his lips as his eyes landed on Zen , unconscious and paler than he ever remembered .

Guilt gnawed at his insides with a force too strong he dropped to his knees and slowly , as if not believing , moved his hand to touch the younger's hair .

His fingers softly brushed through the damp silky strands and then paused . He gently pulled the younger to his lap and started breathing heavily , eyes blurred and lips quivering .  
A muffled sniff echoed in the hallway as Jumin finally picked his petite lover up , cradling him in a tight loving embrace filled with anguish , guilt , and despair .

He knew what triggered his heart . Zen , as critical as his condition may be , never ended up losing consciousness .

Another pang of guilt pulled at his heart as he realized that the younger attempted to take a shower even though Jumin helped him every time . 

Zen just wanted to prove to himself he could do it alone , but sort of failed .. He was this close to succeeding .. but not quite .  
The effort he had to exert during the shower must have exhausted him so much he ended up fainting ..

No .. No . Zen did well . Jumin told himself . Zen was a good boy and he should be rewarded . Yes . Even if he did collapse , he was strong enough to fight it for as long as possible , to endure the painful physical effort and walk alone from the bedroom to the bathroom , shower and get changed .. It was admirable .

 

Adjusting their positions , Jumin stood up with the petite younger in his arms .

Gently , protectively and fondly , the elder held Zen and padded towards their room .

Just thinking about the shame and self-loathing the younger would feel later on broke Jumin's heart .

 

When he reached their room , he slowly laid Zen down and roamed his eyes all over the bed , searching for the covers but he didn't find them .

Furrowing his eyebrows , he shrugged and decided to get another cover . 

Something else registered in his brain . The windows were thoroughly open and curtains were pulled apart , as if to allow in as much air as possible . Which was odd .. Usually , any little amount of air would make Zen sick . 

And.. Was that the air freshener lingering in the room ? What scent was Zen trying to hide ?

Gasping , Jumin widened his eyes and whirled around , searching for matches or a lighter .. Could it be ? Was Zen suicidal ? Jumin hoped not .  
Being extra careful would do no harm though .. A new decision came to life .. It was still just an assumption , but Jumin decided he would devote all of his time to the younger from now on . 

Nonetheless , he couldn't help the boiling anger he felt at the younger's actions - if his guess was right - .

Why would Zen do that ? Did he not think of how much painful it would be for Jumin ? Or did he think and not care ? Did he finally reach the point of wanting nothing but death ? Was it too late to heal the scars deeply engraved in the younger's heart ? 

Jumin felt his eyes moisten at the thought of it alone .. He could not stand losing the younger . It was bad enough they didn't get a chance to experience a normal life as lovers .. What else did this twisted fate want from them ? Hadn't they suffered enough ? Especially Zen .. What more did life want to brutally take from him ? Wasn't his condition bad enough ? Not having freedom , being dependent on others , having troubles walking or exerting any physical effort in general .. Wasn't it enough ?

 

Feeling lightheaded , Jumin sighed deeply and leaned on the wall , eyes forlornly gazing at his beloved , all asleep and lying on bed non responsive .. Jumin contained the urge to go there and shake his lover , afraid he wasn't just sleeping .. 

No . No.  
He shook his head and chased away such dark thoughts .

 

But something bugged him .. If Zen was suicidal , why would he choose that method of all others ?  
A fire would permanently destroy everything , every memory and may even harm other people ..  
Zen was too much of an angel to endanger others .. And really , no matter how much he sniffed , Jumin couldn't detect any lingering smoke .

Then what the hell was going on ? 

Why would Zen lock the chain ? To buy time for what ? Surely he didn't think that the elder would not find a way to get inside , right ? He couldn't have done it for the hell of it or just to prevent Jumin from ever entering . 

The only plausible explanation was that the younger wanted to buy himself enough time to hide a certain something .. What though ? Jumin had no idea .

 

Unforgiving , a headache made itself known and Jumin would be lying if he said he didn't expect it to happen . 

Surrendering to exhaustion , he dropped on bed and joined his lover right after pulling the keys and cell phone from his pocket and putting them on the bedside table . He would settle everything out later . With that promise , the last bit of awareness left him as the fresh scent of his lover lulled him to a much needed sleep .

 

.  
.  
.  
.  
.

 

The next time Zen came to , he felt a familiar warmth - literally and figuratively - ..  
He felt a warm presence next to him and the unmistakable warmth of feeling safe and loved .

The younger of the two turned around to face a peaceful slumbering Jumin who had him enveloped in a tight embrace . 

Unconsciously , Zen found himself smiling at the sight of the elder . Just like the old days . A wave of nostalgia overwhelmed him and he couldn't help but snuggle closer to his lover . 

Maybe collapsing every once in a while wasn't a bad thing after all , If it meant waking up to such embrace .

Admittedly , Jumin had been quite sweet ever since that incident took place .

Zen giggled , body relaxed because of Jumin's presence . The elder's scent as though a lullaby , pulled Zen back to rest . A yawn echoed about the room and the younger sighed in content as the blissful world of sleep welcomed him once again .

It's been so long since they last slept like this , mostly because of the elder's job . Whenever Jumin would come back home , Zen would most likely be asleep . And early in the morning , Jumin would awaken first and rush to work which meant they rarely to never had a chance to have some quality time together .  
But maybe it was about to change .  
Maybe things would change for the better . He deserved some happiness after all , right ?

 

.  
.  
.  
.

 

It was some time later that they both woke up to a familiar melody , Jumin's cell phone .

Getting up and rubbing his eyes , the elder picked up his cell phone and answered . One of his work mates called to ask about something and thankfully , didn't talk too long .

Soon enough they bid each other goodbye and Jumin concluded the call , sighing as he relaxed back on bed .

 

After putting the cell phone back on the bedside table , he turned around to face his lover and took him in a loose embrace , beaming once he saw the younger smile at him . But then he recalled the earlier events . He couldn't ignore them .

Readying himself , Jumin cleared his throat and tried to make his voice sound as unthreatening as possible " Where are the covers ? "

 

Zen visibly stiffened at that . It had been gullible of him to think Jumin would not notice .

 

".. The laundry . " the younger blinked and replied hesitantly .

" But I just changed them yesterday . " Jumin persisted in a demanding tone .

 

Making the younger uncomfortable was never his intention , but he had to know for the peace of his mind and to ensure Zen's well being .

It wasn't before few moments that the younger dignified Jumin's question with an answer .

" Well , I spilled juice on them .. " Getting uncomfortable , Zen chose to gaze at Jumin's general direction but never his scrutinizing eyes .

The elder was not convinced but he knew better than to show it . He couldn't afford to let Zen think he didn't believe or trust him , their relationship was too fragile for that at the moment .

Trying to rein in his rising temper , Jumin decided to ask another question . " okay . what about the chain ? "

 

" I .. " Zen stuttered and blinked repetitively , too nervous to come up with an excuse .

It was crystal clear the elder wouldn't be getting any honest answers any time any soon , or perhaps at all .

Puffing out air , Jumin loosened his hold on the younger and then completely pulled away - the thing that pulled at Zen's heart strings as well - before turning to face the ceiling .

 

The elder started feeling furious , helpless , and sad . There had been fear in Zen’s expression and something in his eyes told Jumin it would be painful for him to talk about it which in turn pained the elder himself .

Few minutes later , he heard the bed shifting indicating a movement beside him . Jumin turned his head around to find Zen trembling , covering his face and breaking down into tears .

The brunette felt horrified and instantly sat up right then inched closer to the younger , ready to comfort him in a heartbeat.

 

" I .. I threw up .. " the younger's voice quivered as he sobbed and struggled to even out his breathing at the same time . 

Jumin pursed his lips , trying to prevent himself from hugging his lover - because he knew the moment he would do so , Zen would cry his heart out and break down completely- . He had to respect his lover and allow him to talk , vent , and express himself . It wasn't easy watching as the silverette wiped his face with shaky hands , only to have tears flow down his cheeks like heavy rain .

 

" I didn't want you to get angry or feel burdened with me .. I didn't want you to clean up my own mess . " Zen honestly didn't know if Jumin could catch his incoherent trembling words but still found himself confessing .. 

Like a dam , every emotion poured out freely , unrestrained and unwilling to stop . And such thing didn't go unnoticed by Jumin . It's the longest he'd seen the younger talk in so much time . But that was not the only thing astonishing Jumin . The words and their weight .. The broken tone . The shame lacing the younger's voice having been forced to reveal the truth , probably because he thought that he'd angered Jumin by not giving him an answer .

 

The elder could almost taste the bitterness rolling off Zen in waves , the silent ' I'll tell you but please don't leave me , please don't look the other way , don't loosen your embrace .'

 

It pained Jumin so much , like a goddamn knife stabbing his heart , back and forth , with so much precision . However , if he couldn't handle the painful truth , he shouldn't have asked for it . He had to be honest as well . He owed Zen that much after all .

 

" You are not a burden , Zen . you never were . " The elder corrected gently as he reached forward and wiped his lover's tears away , feeling his heart contract when the younger squeezed his eyes shut and furrowed his eyebrows in anguish . 

Did Zen honestly think that Jumin would eventually get bored and break up with him ? To the point he struggled alone just so he wouldn't be a burden .. Jumin felt utterly tormented at that .. In a way , it was his fault . The time he spent treating the younger coldly had obviously made a harsh impact on little Zen's mind .. And unfortunately , it was kind of true . At some point , The brunette did feel burdened , even though he would never admit it . Feeling it alone was a sin in itself . And now .. Now it's about time he cleared up some misunderstanding .

 

Jumin spoke up softly , urging the younger to open his eyes and look at him . The silverette hesitantly did as told , bracing himself for the elder's words . Maybe Jumin was about to finally admit how much of a burden Zen truly was and the least he could do was being gentle about it . And it's for that very reason , the younger felt dumbfounded when he heard the exact opposite .

 

" Taking care of you , I need it just as much as you do or maybe even more . Zen , in The time I stopped giving you attention , I realized just how much my life felt empty . Like I lost my purpose .. I want to take care of you .. " Awkwardly and maybe even shyly , the elder admitted , emphasizing his words as he swirled his index and drew patterns on the bed . A part of Zen found it adorable he nearly chuckled but the situation did not allow that . He honestly couldn't see how Jumin needed an obligation though .. A burden .. The idea of him serving as the elder's purpose - more or less - felt both , terrifying and wonderful . Did that mean that any other obligation would have done the trick ? Something to fill his time with ? If so , he could adopt a pet and take care of it . Zen didn't know if that was his depression talking , but it did sound so convincing until the elder spoke up again .

 

" It's reassuring and heartwarming in its own twisted way .. you know .. that you need and depend on me . " Jumin concluded , their eyes caught and held . Like magic , an electrifying force surged through their bodies at the immense raw emotions filling the moment .

 

" I love you . " The way he said it , so soft and genuine , made Zen burst into tears and before he knew it , the elder had taken him in a tight embrace .

The ailing male buried his head in his lover's chest , muffling his sobs as he felt the elder's hands bringing him closer , like he couldn't stand the idea of having even the smallest of distances between them .

 

The hand on Zen's head gently tightened as Jumin muffled his own sniffs in the younger's neck . He was not prepared for the onslaught of emotions erupting inside of him when a dark collection of memories rushed back to his head , making him feel even more guilty .

 

*At first , he was so energetic and enthusiastic about helping Zen out . 

Eventually though , the routine started wearing him out in every aspect . As time passed by , he was beginning to feel both , sick and tired of constantly looking after the younger even if he fought hard to chase away such repulsive thoughts .

He couldn't pinpoint why but suddenly , he found himself getting depressed over the younger's condition , especially since it never got better . Hell , it didn't even stay as it was . It just kept getting worse and Jumin felt at loss . The knowledge that he could do nothing about it devastated him beyond limits . 

He was forced to watch his lover wither before his very own eyes and still had to pretend that everything was going to be fine . He couldn't lose hope and he couldn't let Zen do so either . The doctors had told him how a patient's emotional state was likely to affect their physical condition and that the last thing Zen needed was to lose hope . But every time Jumin had to meet those beautiful and knowing crimson eyes of his lover , he couldn't bring himself to lie , because it pained him .. How was he supposed to look after someone when he himself needed to be held close and given hope ?

Everything spiraled out of control and all too sudden , he watched the reason of his happiness turn into the exact opposite .*

 

  
Jumin pulled away when he noticed the younger shivering , only to realize the night breeze must have made him cold .. He’d forgotten to close the windows back then . Jumin resisted the urge to facepalm and stood up , whispering a quick apology as he made his way towards the windows . 

It's then that he realized he hasn't changed yet . Everything just happened too fast after all . 

 

Ruffling his own hair , Jumin approached the windows and somehow , even that small action made him look attractive .. Or maybe a certain tiny silverette was just smitten .

Zen watched as his lover closed the windows and pulled the curtains together , blushing deeply yet still staring , unabashed , when the elder proceeded taking off his clothes , revealing his well defined muscles . 

He really missed being intimate with Jumin but it couldn't be helped . Sexual activities would accelerate his heart rate which was highly inadvisable . Jumin himself would not allow Zen to do anything risky , no matter how much the younger planned to protest . 

Besides , the topic was so delicate to talk about . Another reason why Zen felt guilt eat him alive . It was not fair for Jumin . He deserved better . he deserved someone who he could actually love - in every way - .

 

Zen turned to the other side lest a lone tear made its way down and his lover witnessed it ..

That was his problem , somehow every time happiness seemed to inch closer , he would start having those dark thoughts and end up feeling depressed beyond repair . However , was it not true ? How unfair it was for the elder ?

Jumin shouldn't have to keep on fixing a broken doll .. Zen thought bitterly .

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	3. Asking for too much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their eyes remained locked , neither saying anything , out of pain , shock or unwillingness , they had no idea . However , one feeling lingered in the air , plaguing the once pure atmosphere of the kitchen ..
> 
> Betrayal

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Jumin woke up to a heavenly aroma invading his sense of smell and tempting his taste buds . Beautiful pearl colored eyes fluttered open as the owner sniffed the air and yawned , stretching to ease his muscles , only to realize that something was missing . More like someone . 

Any remnants of sleep quickly vanished at the realization. Jumin jolted up , pressing his palm against the other side of bed where his lover should be occupying . Once he found it cold , he instantly panicked . 

Did Zen leave ? Could he possibly still believe he was a burden ? 

Unable to even entertain that thought for longer than a second , Jumin abandoned the bed and rushed outside the room , calling his lover's name as he scurried his way to the bathroom , the first place that came to mind . Alas , the door was left partially open and even when he desperately took a glance inside , Zen was not there . 

Shaking his head in denial , the young man spun on his heels and walked down the hallway . 

" Zen ! " Again , he called as his feet led him to the kitchen , only to be met with the most unexpected sight ever .  
His bedridden lover was standing in front of the stove , flipping a pan that seemed to have omelette in it . He turned the stove off and walked to the counter , twisting the button of the kitchen mixer , making the buzz sound stop .

 

So that's why he couldn't hear me . Jumin concluded as he let out a loud sigh of relief , alerting the younger to his presence .

 

Zen turned around , expression cheerful and proud , so much that the elder almost decided to drop the matter but he couldn't . He clearly forbade his lover from exerting any unnecessary effort and here he was , doing the exact opposite .

" Zen , what are you doing ? You shouldn't be standing for so long . Come here . " Jumin gently scolded as he strode forward , pulling the younger to a chair situated in the middle of the kitchen , only to have the said protest , refusing to sit down or get dragged to a chair like an elderly .

" Why do you keep on reminding me ? " the silver haired male furrowed his eyebrows as he calmly asked , as if it was a genuine question in a normal conversation when in fact , the situation was far from normal . The simple verbal expression of concern on Jumin 's part meant so much more than that to Zen . It broke his heart that his lover , instead of appreciating his efforts , instantly scolds him for leaving bed . He was really looking forward to breakfast too . 

The elder parted his lips , ready to say something but stopped and averted his eyes elsewhere , sighing when he realized he couldn't defend himself . It was never his intention to constantly remind Zen of his state but saying so won't change anything because the younger should already his intentions were never bad . The problem was that Jumin himself never stopped to think about to it from Zen's perspective .

" It means alot to me that you care about my well being . However , getting treated like a disabled person fucking hurts ." His tone left no room for words . Jumin 's forehead creased as he willed himself to stay calm and ignore the pain resurfacing in his chest as he noticed the bitter hint in the younger's voice .

" I'm tired .. I'm sick of resting all the fucking time ! " Zen exclaimed and finally broke down into tears as he slammed his quivering hands on the counter , wishing he could just break them to pieces along with his fragile built and punish it for subjecting him to such pain .

 

Why did he deserve that ? Why couldn't life make a mistake and give him an ounce of happiness ? Was it really too much to ask for ?

Maybe ..

 

" I just wanted to have a normal breakfast . I wanted to pretend that everything is okay and that I can handle some pain . I wanted us to be normal , at least for a day .. " Tone shifting into a resigned whisper , the ailing male shook his head at his own stupidity . Of course it wouldn't work .. Since when did anything ever work for him ? He should have just surrendered like he’d planned to , maybe then it wouldn't have hurt so much .

 

Sniffing and wiping the tears away , the silverette took a deep breath in and turned around , facing the elder who still had his mouth clamped shut , expression speaking volumes of how guilty he’d felt .

Deciding that such ought to be his destiny till the last breath , Zen licked his lips tentatively before suggesting " you know what .. Why don't you just go look for someone else ? "

It hurt having to say that , so much that tears instantly brimmed his eyes and his whole being stung but he focused on letting out all of his insecurities .

The truth had to be known , no matter how bitter . And if Jumin wouldn't be the one to talk , then Hyun would .

As soon as those words left the younger’s mouth , however , Jumin 's guilty expression immediately morphed into that of confusion as he failed to decipher what such suggestion implied . And when he slowly registered the meaning behind those words , anger and betrayal consumed him like fire would lumber .

 

" What ? " He questioned in disbelief as he hesitantly approached his lover .  
" You mean to say .. you wouldn't get jealous ? You wouldn't care ? " Jumin fearfully inquired , feeling like he'd just been stabbed in the gut .

Was that Zen's way of testing his fidelity ? If so , he’d say it was a rather cruel one . 

If it wasn't though .. If he truly meant those words ..

" How could you even think I wanted that ? " Unable to contain himself anymore , Jumin snapped as he roughly gripped the younger's shoulders and gazed at his eyes dead on , determined to know how such repulsive thoughts could even cross his lover's mind .

 

" I don't have the right to get jealous , Jumin !! Not when I can't offer you anything ! " Slapping the elder's hands away , Zen vehemently retorted back with rage of equal intensity , his answer shocking the elder too much that his mouth hung open , spilling no words in response .

 

Their eyes remained locked , neither saying anything , out of pain , shock or unwillingness , they had no idea . However , one feeling lingered in the air , plaguing the once pure atmosphere of the kitchen ..

Betrayal .

Jumin has never thought of leaving Zen for physical pleasure and hearing otherwise , so brutal and lucid , made him feel irrevocably betrayed .

How could it be ?

After all of the pain they've endured together , why would he want to pursue someone else ? He'd never considered the possibility . He couldn't even imagine himself with anyone else . If he wanted , he'd have done so a long time ago . And he would never lie about it .

Did Zen honestly think that he wanted sexual pleasure and maybe even satisfied himself in secret , never telling the younger about it , out of pity ? How ?

Was that his worth in the younger’s eyes ?

Sure , he was a man with needs but .. How clouded must Hyun’s judgement be for him to think that such was the only thing Jumin wanted in a relationship ?

They couldn't be intimate together for a reason and it was far from him wanting someone else . It was all because of Zen’s health . Jumin put that into consideration . So why couldn't his lover give him the benefit of the doubt ?

Zen , on the other hand , felt so bitter that the one thing that first crossed Jumin's mind as he emerged was how wrong it was for the former to exert some effort . It felt like someone had just ripped his heart apart . Like Jumin wanted to deprive him of any semblance of normality .. Like he didn't want them to be normal .. He just wanted him to stay bedridden .. He didn't want them to enjoy breakfast like any couple would ..

Why ?

The only explanation was that he didn't view Zen as a lover anymore , so it was okay not to do what couples usually do .

Why couldn't he support him ?

Why couldn't he smile and say he was proud of him ?

Zen finally knew why .. He was asking for too much .

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	4. Years of starvation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stunned beyond belief , Zen tried to ignore how that question affected him but he couldn’t , especially because Jumin seemed to have pinned him in place with just a gaze . And instead of getting offended , he found himself answering with a timid slight shake of his head .

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Zen's glare softened and wavered as he started panting , his sudden outburst finally taking a toll on him . It felt like all of the effort he'd exerted ever since he woke up suddenly gathered and accumulated , wanting to descend on him like dead weight .  
His legs nearly gave out and it was only thanks to the counter he was leaning on that he didn't drop to his knees right then and there .Though admittedly , that wasn't the only reason he couldn't breathe steadily . They were already too close , gazing at each other with so many conflicted emotions but it didn't seem close enough to Jumin as he shrank what little distance separated them and whispered calmly , his breathing hot and impossibly near , tickling the younger more than he cared to admit .

 

" When you imply I was only after your body , it's like saying you are a whore . "

It seemed like , with each word , the elder drew even closer but not enough to break eye-contact . He could already tell his beloved was having a hard time processing those words due to many reasons , the sudden shift in the atmosphere caused by their proximity , the power his gaze had on him , the words themselves .

 

To anyone witnessing such scene , they'd think of his words as an offense when it wasn't . Zen’s earlier suggestion carried in its folds an accusation directed at Jumin and an indirect insult to the younger himself . And the dark haired male just wanted to guide his lover to that conclusion . After all , the only person you'd end up leaving if they can't offer their body is a whore , because that's their purpose . If they can't serve it , then why would you bother staying ?

That suggestion had accused Jumin of being a heartless pervert who would just stay with someone because of their body and it also revealed how little Zen viewed himself , his worth . Was he just a figure made for pleasure ? Was that the only thing Jumin loved in him so that when he couldn't offer it anymore , the elder would leave ? No . Jumin inwardly denied . Zen was so much more than that . He had the heart of a saint , the innocence of a child , and a smile that could brighten the entire universe . It was truly a shame he couldn't see how much beauty he had deep within his essence . No matter . Jumin was determined to make him see it .

Snapping back to the real world and after receiving no answer , the elder sighed and resorted to handling it all by himself , wasting no time to ask " Are you ? " 

Stunned beyond belief , Zen tried to ignore how that question affected him but he couldn’t , especially because Jumin seemed to have pinned him in place with just a gaze . And instead of getting offended , he found himself answering with a timid slight shake of his head . 

Jumin could only smile at that . Zen was finally surrendering to reason instead of assumptions and delusions , something that pleased the elder immensely .

Deeming it good enough , he persisted " Do you think I would view my lover as one ? " 

His voice was incredibly gentle , soft , and soothing . But his intention was that of a lover scolding his beloved for doubting their love . It was thoroughly overwhelming , so much that Zen shook his head once more , ashamed at how childish and irrational he'd acted . And suddenly he couldn't bear to meet the elder's eyes so he moved his own gaze to the ground . Which , unfortunately for him , didn’t sit well with the elder .

Lifting the younger's chin up , Jumin gently demanded " Then why did you say that ? "  
However , that gentle treatment in itself would be the death of a certain someone .

Zen , too nervous at their sudden proximity , felt his face heat up and ended up stuttering the answer " I .. Can't give you intimacy .. I can't go on dates with yo- "

" that's partially because of work consuming most of my time . " Interrupted Jumin , defending his beloved and proving him wrong once more , only to have the said cling to his own theory .

" Still ! I can't offer you what a lover can . " The younger nearly gasped the words out . Nothing could ever describe how much it pained him to admit that . He felt insecure , useless , and incompetent on top of it . there was really nothing he could do aside from staying in bed , exerting minimal to no effort . It hurt him immensely that he couldn't make the one person he cherished happy . He couldn't give him anything , not a child nor intimacy . He couldn't give him the thrill of adventure . He couldn't prepare a romantic surprise for him , not even a simple dinner with roses scattered around the house . He couldn't go out alone and buy him something . He couldn't stand winter or summer . He couldn't even give him peace of mind , because of his deteriorating health .

He just .. couldn't , no matter how much he wanted .

 

" Shhh , Zen . Every time you talk , you end up straying away from the truth . " Jumin placed his index on the younger's lips as he inched closer , dangerously so , approaching a boundary he'd firmly set for himself a long time ago .

" You can ." He argued faintly , even though deep inside , he knew his lover was right . But he wanted to comfort him so much that he was ready to call white black , he was ready to pretend . He wanted to convince himself that Zen could handle some intimacy , if they were to take it a step further .

Jumin's hands were shaking in fear as they rose to cup the younger's face . He was mortified the very moment he'd touch him , the younger's heartbeat and breathing would accelerate to a life threatening degree .

Zen , on the other hand , could only raise his hands in a hesitant manner , unsure of what to do with them . He'd been yearning for Jumin's touch for so long that when it finally happened , he didn't know what to do . The silverette was practically shivering in anticipation and fear . He felt like his heart would leap out of his chest any moment now . He could feel the adrenaline rush , so exhilarating and powerful , running down his spine and leaving in its wake a force so impossibly overwhelming .

Jumin's affection was killing him softly . Nonetheless , If his heart stopped now , he wouldn't regret this . Ever .

 

Inch by inch , they got closer , both shaking and sweating before anything could even happen and Zen could swear his heart ceased functioning when Jumin finally got rid of any distance between them and flower-soft lips met his in an electrifying force , the briefest of kisses the world has ever known .

Eyes trembled shut , bodies pressed closer , hands wound around waists and necks as the young lovers explored each other's warmth after a very long time they almost forgot how amazing it had felt . 

Jumin was trembling with desire , he couldn't deny that a tiny part in him wanted to go all the way , unrestrained and needy , even if he was gonna be a little rough . 

But he knew he couldn't . 

Zen may not survive even a tender touch . 

Truthfully speaking , he couldn't blame him . Jumin felt like everything in him was tingling , this close to shattering , from the raw need , emotions , and sensations .

Zen was the very definition of sinful temptation , his lips were beautifully soft and inviting , pulling Jumin deeper with each passing second . His touch , his delicate hand on the elder's chest , never pushing him away yet still innocently leaning there and it was literally driving Jumin mad .

The brief and silk-like kiss soon changed into a passionate one that spoke of years and years of starvation. And yet it was slow and agonizing , full of emotions that Zen could barely think straight .No matter how much he wanted to proceed , he was one to break the kiss , taking in a mouthful of oxygen as he dropped his head on the elder's shoulder , his fragile body unable to support such unexpected assault of sensations .

 

" Don't go fainting on me , Zen . " Jumin spoke up in concern and the younger could hear the smile in those words even if he couldn't see it . He let out a weak chuckle in response , still in the process of calming himself down .

 

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	5. withered

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Breathing no longer labored , Zen relaxed in his lover's embrace , leaning heavily on him . 

Jumin's lips curled into a frown at that , his eyebrows knitting in concern as he tightened his hold on the smaller male , afraid he would slip through his arms if he did not . He knew his lover was either sleepy or quite exhausted or both . 

True enough , Zen's eyelids felt as heavy as lead .

However and even though his body was practically clamoring for some rest , he curbed the urge to sleep and buried his nose in Jumin's neck , inhaling his chocolate and musky scent , sighing in content shortly after .

" Promise me . " He whispered a plea against the elder's neck , his hands lazily rising up to pull the elder closer as he mentally prepared himself for the consequences of his request .  
He'd gotten used to feeling deprived of everything a normal healthy person could enjoy . And naturally , he knew how life threatening it was for him to engage in any intimate activity . That risk only ever intensified as he felt a nagging whisper in the back of his mind telling him he would not make it either ways . His fragile life was not going to last much longer .. Maybe a day or two . However and as much as that scared him beyond belief , he was ready to embrace death if it meant dying in Jumin's arms .

Fate may give him another day , if he was lucky . But for now , he could only think of one thing .. His hands unconsciously tightened around the elder as he braced himself for whatever outcome his decision would bring about .

" Promise me you won't , no matter what . " Nodding to himself as if in reassurance , Zen rephrased before waiting for the elder's response .

For a split second , Jumin had the urge to ask the younger what he meant by that until it dawned on him with such painful intensity he squeezed his eyes shut as if it would chase all of the tears away , locking them in a cage deep inside his heart .

At first , he thought Zen meant something along the lines of ' never leaving my side ' but that they already knew . It couldn't have been that . His mind quickly formulated every possible scenario and then it all clicked with so much clarity .

Of course .. Only Zen would ask of such thing , putting them first before his own health .  
Even though Jumin had always yearned for this moment , he could never risk endangering his beloved . However , such was the younger's wish .

Promise me you won't stop . Even if it kills me .

Zen was truly cruel to use such card on him , fully knowing he'd want to do anything to make him happy . Forcing him on such tragic intimacy was just too cruel .. But he really wanted to give Zen what he desperately wished for .

Who was he to say no ?

Heaving a deep breath , Jumin resigned , succumbing to his lover's plea as he pulled away to look at the younger , his glistened eyes meeting a pair of moistened ones .

The elder pursed his lips and moved his gaze upwards , for he could not stand looking at Zen then . It hurt too bad . He just couldn't reject him this time . It would break his fragile heart .

Having no other choice , Jumin made up his mind . He would do it , for Zen . However , not entirely . He'd give him what he wanted , what they both wanted but never had a chance to experience . Nonetheless , the moment he detects a slightest danger to the younger's life , he would stop . Even if Zen begs him not to .

Apart from nodding reluctantly , the elder did nothing to solidify such promise , for it was the one thing he could not keep .

A certain silverette gasped in surprise when he found himself getting carried bridal style and instantly blushed beet red , hiding his shyness in the crook of Jumin's neck , all the way until they reached their bedroom .

The elder let out a small chuckle at that . Zen was just too precious .

It didn't take long before they reached their destination and once they did , Jumin placed the younger down on bed , as gentle as possible . And he was about to join him if it weren't for the shorter male preventing him from doing so with just a word .

" Wait ! " The younger suddenly exclaimed , making Jumin furrow his eyebrows .  
Was he going back on his words ? That would be both a disappointment and a blessing .

" I'm kind of thirsty . Can you please bring me a glass of water ? " Zen explained sheepishly , afraid he was ruining the mood by such random request . But he was so thirsty he couldn't help it .

Jumin straightened up , giving his lover a sweet smile before uttering " Sure . "

As soon as the elder left the room , Zen heaved a deep breath , allowing a bitter expression to show on his face . However , it vanished as quickly as it had appeared , just before Jumin came back again .

the younger gave him a weak appreciative smile , watching the figure approaching his with unguarded emotions it made Jumin's heart flutter .

" Here ."

Zen took the glass from the elder , showing his gratitude with a soft smile . He took a quick sip , relishing in the heavenly taste as it quenched his thirst . He'd always loved cold water and Jumin knew it . The elder would always know his taste in everything , how he liked his coffee and food .

Shaking his head at that , Zen snapped out of his thoughts when he heard footsteps approaching him and once again , before Jumin managed to sit down , the younger stopped him .

" The curtains . " Zen reminded just as Jumin was about to sit next to him , making the elder raise his eyebrows at the second request in such a short span of time . Nonetheless , he slowly stood up and made his way towards the windows , gently pulling the curtains together to give the room a touch of romance .

" If I didn't know better , I'd say you were intentionally doing it to tease me . " The dark haired male noted as he turned around , giving the room a brief look , making sure nothing else could be done to romanticize the atmosphere .

" Who knows ~ " Sang Zen playfully , waiting for the elder to walk back to him and drink what was left in the glass . When Jumin saw the glass extended to him , he took it and gulped all the water down . That was a habit of theirs . They used to share everything . Whether it was eating or drinking , they did it together , somehow always managing to divide anything between them .

Zen could recall that time his lover was eating an apple pie which he himself hated , yet the younger ended up tasting it as soon as Jumin urged him to open his mouth, like a mother feeding her child .

He giggled at the memory , trying his best to remain calm and relax himself so his heart would not beat faster than anything known to humanity . It didn't help when the elder gently made him lie down in no time and slowly brushed a strand of his hair behind his ear , making the silverette shiver despite himself . If he kept gazing at those expressive grey eyes , he would melt to death . Zen concluded before his eyes moved downwards , settling on a pair of heart shaped lips . Realizing how the sight of Jumin's lips was in no way less of a temptation than his eyes , he decided to close his own and just go with the flow , preferring to let the elder handle everything . He'd never been bold enough to initiate anything after all .

 

In a few seconds , Zen registered a certain softness enveloping his lips , then a gentle bite followed by a wet and hot intrusion as Jumin's tongue met his in a slow passionate dance . It didn't take long before the kiss gained vigor and velocity , enrapturing the two lovers as time ticked by slowly .

For Zen , however , he felt everything unfolding in a fast pace , because he didn't want it to end and knowing otherwise would ensue made it all the more painful . He didn't want their time together to come to an end .

Not so soon .. Please let me stay with him some more .

When the younger pulled him closer and deeper , Jumin could do naught but moan in pure ecstasy .

Throughout the whole maze of pleasure , Zen felt his breath quicken along with his heartbeat .. Too much it was unsettling . But he showed none of his pain , fearing it would ruin their last chance together as one . So he buried his face in Jumin's neck , seeking protection and hiding himself from everything , including his lover .

I will gladly endure every ounce of pain you give me , Jumin , if that's the only way for love to bind us . I will endure it , silently and alone . I will not burden you with my pain anymore .. I will not allow it . This pain is only mine to endure .

With shaky hands , the younger held his beloved in a loose embrace , dreading the moment such beautiful feeling would lose its magic . Deep inside though , he was grateful that fate was kind enough to let him become one with his beloved if only for one last time .

Nonetheless , human beings are greedy and he was no exception . Now that he finally got to taste the love he desperately longed for , he could not help but want more . And more he was going to get . It was already too late to go back down on his decision after all .. The damage had been done .. Jumin may hate him for it .. so he figured he would have to make their time together worth it .

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Inevitably , the two lovers neared the climax of pleasure , voices intertwining in a beautiful symphony as they pulled away , only to reconnect their lips shortly after .

The last kiss was soft , sensual and brief , a vow sealing their love . Zen nearly whimpered in anguish at that . He loved the elder too much . He didn't want to leave him all alone .. He really didn't .. But the choice was not his . Staying by Jumin's side was not something he could decide . He couldn't defy life and death . The only thing he could give was love . And so he decided if such was the only thing in his power , then he was going to give it , generously . Even if he had to pay for it with his life .

.  
.

Soon enough , a yawn escaped Jumin's lips , making the younger almost feel guilty for what he'd done . But he kept telling himself it was better that way .  
As soon as a pair of beautiful doe-like eyes grew heavy and eventually slackened , a gentle smile made its way to Zen's lips .

For a couple of minutes , he did nothing but watch as his lover slept peacefully , undisturbed . It's a shame it was the last time he would lay his eyes on such beautiful sight .

" I'm so sorry , Jumin . I just didn't want you to witness it . " The silver haired male apologized earnestly as he ran the back of his hand on the elder's face , seeking to memorize the way it felt , warm and soft , against his skin .

" I'm not scared of death .. I'm not scared of pain .. I'm terrified of leaving your side . Please do not blame yourself for granting me my wish .. I would have not made it either ways . " Zen confessed with tears flowing down his cheeks . He knew his death would be relatively painless . His heart would stop beating and it may hurt but only for a moment .. After it , he would feel nothing . which was indeed tempting . At long last , he would not feel any sort of pain . He would not exist . All those years of pain would finally come to an end . 

Who would not welcome that with open arms ?

However , the only thing he dreaded was the aftermath .. the impact of his death .  
It wasn't his fault though .. Yes , he'd forced the elder on that .. He'd even sent him to sleep against his will .. But he was not one to decide his fate .

The elder would -undoubtedly- get mad at him , the silverette inwardly guessed as he pulled his hand away and slept on his back , facing the ceiling .

Now what ?  
The sickly male closed his eyes and took a mouthful of oxygen , loving how it refreshed his tormented soul .

Perhaps that was it ..

breathe in and out ..

breathe in and out ..

Relax ..

close your eyes and rest ..

Zen spent his last minutes reflecting on life before his eyelids finally relaxed , convening and covering his beautiful crimson orbs for the end of time .

I think we all end up paying taxes for the happy times in our lives , which is why our unconscious mind fears happiness . Because we know - instinctively - that what follows is the exact opposite . In my case , however , a moment of happiness costs too much for me to afford . Such beautiful moments are worth my life .

Taxes , ha ?

Some people may tell you a certain year was very good for them , unlike the current one .  
Why not think of it as a tax ? You were already happy for a whole year , more or less . It's time to suffer now ..

Scary , right ?  
His eyes slid shut in a slow manner , almost reluctant , wanting to savor his last breath as he felt his heartbeat dwindle before stopping altogether .

 

.  
.  
.

When Jumin woke up , his heart fluttered for a moment , a sign he could not read and thus ended up ignoring , especially since he could hardly process anything right after waking up . However , when he blinked and tossed to the right , eyes landing on the most beautiful angel sleeping next to him , Jumin's lips shaped into a smile so endearing it could light up even the darkest of nights .

His nimble fingers reached forward , caressing his beloved's cheeks , only to find it terrifyingly cold .

Jumin could only gulp at that , ignoring the lump forming in his throat and blinking repetitively before tilting his head to the side and narrowing his eyes , something he would do when he could not believe reality , when he'd rather deny the obvious truth .

" Zen ? " He tried . And got no answer .

So he waited .. And waited ..

But .. the more he waited , the more real it had become .  
He shook his head at that , not even realizing his own actions ..  
There's just no way .. They were supposed to have much more time !! It had to be a joke .. A prank . It couldn't be real .

" Zen , that's a very bad joke ! " Jumin sighed deeply before rubbing his forehead and finally admonishing . The younger had always been in love with William Shakespeare's works but that was taking it too far . Besides , it wasn't like Zen to do something that mischievous .

Jeez .. Jumin almost rolled his eyes at the thought .

Fine , if you want to keep on playing dead , I might as well join the act .

" Juliet ? " The elder called , his voice soft and desperate . His lover must have dabbed a lot of powder to make his face look so pale . He wondered though , who gave his juliet the potion to make her breathing stop and blood flow slow enough it would make her seem dead .

His juliet did not respond .. Jumin frowned before realizing that maybe Zen wanted to keep on pretending until the final scene , which meant the elder would have to do the same as Romeo - pretend that he took the potion as well - .  
And pretending Jumin did .  
However , Zen did not wake up .

With gruesome clarity , the truth made itself known and the elder found his heart freezing in a never-ending comatose from which he would never wake up .

Jolting upwards , as if trying to put a distance between himself and a very awful truth , Jumin could only fix his gaze on the younger's unmoving form . His precious Zen was not even breathing .. His chest was not moving , not even slightly . Jumin's stomach lurched , first in fear and then .. He cupped his mouth when a sudden urge to vomit spread through his upper stomach .

Trying his best to relax and inhale so he would not empty the contents of his stomach on bed , Jumin's eyes caught sight of something on the bedside table near Zen's head . A small bottle that read " Ambien "

Wasn't that a sleeping pill ?

Memories of last night flashed before his eyes . Zen's odd behavior .. The glass of water , the curtains .

Of course .. He was buying time . The first , to get the bottle of the pills out of the drawer and the second one , to slip one of the pills in the water . He'd planned it all .. In the heat of the moment .

He knew his time had come . And he didn't want me to be awake when it happened . He didn't want me to see him dying . He wanted to spare me the pain . But oh , Zen .. if only you knew that nothing could make it hurt any less .. Nothing could stop me from grieving over your loss . Whether I saw it or not , it doesn't change the fact you’ve left me . It doesn't alleviate my pain , my love .

" Hyun Ryu , how could you do this to me ?! " Jumin let out a muffled gasp before exclaiming in sheer agony , his voice cracking at such betrayal . Such cruelty .

You asked me to hold you and then you simply leave , you close your eyes with no regret !  
I Should have never granted your wish .. Maybe then you would still be here , with me .

I hate myself for that .. Zen , you forced me on a crime .. The guiltiest of all . And for that , I hate you too .

With those hands , I held you .. And with them , I killed you .

He could only stare at his hands , the culprit , as a flood of tears collected in them like they felt the need to purify the criminal .

In denial , Jumin shook his head furiously and cupped the younger's face , flinching when his hands met cold skin . God ! it hurt..

He could numbly register the pain of grief slicing his heart open , digging in his flesh and finally pulling away , rough , merciless and , above all , incurable .

" I didn't even get to .. " the words died on his tongue as his throat closed up , reaching it's emotional capacity after stretching so much in an effort to let every breath and word out .

It's in that moment that he fell forward , like a marionette whose master had abandoned , and slumped right next to the younger's lifeless form .

Eyes brimming with tears it blinded him , Jumin let out a miserable whimper , a disjointed sound echoing through the walls of the same room they spent their happiest moments in .  
Now no more ..  
Hesitant and fearful , he reached forward , taking the younger in his embrace and trying to give him as much warmth as possible . His beloved had just fainted because of the cold , right ? To his ears however , that sounded like a terrible lie .  
What was he supposed to do though ? When the truth was everything he'd loathed , when he'd rather believe a lie as ridiculous as that .

Sniffing along , Jumin pulled the younger closer in hopes of warming him up faster , fully aware that his actions felt strangely similar to a person so desperate , wandering aimlessly back and forth as he held a withered flower in his hands , trying to bring it back to life against all odds ..

 

" you have not withered .. You can't , Zen .. please open your eyes ." the words scratched at his throat as he felt hot tears drench his cheeks nonstop .

 

..  
..  
..  
..  
..  
..  
..

 

I'll cry for my love till I run out of tears .

I'll cry till my mind goes numb and eyes bulge out .

I'll cry every remaining day in my life .

I'll cry , no matter how much they tell me I shouldn't because you wouldn't be happy that way .

I'll cry , even if it hurts you while you rest above and away from me . Maybe then you'd feel my pain .

 

.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.

 

You didn't bid me farewell properly . But I guess there's no such thing as proper goodbyes after all . A goodbye is still a goodbye .

 

.  
.  
.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check this out right after you finish reading 
> 
> https://youtu.be/gT5Q8EQD5zE


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